I had my first heartbreak when I turned 18. I always imagined it to be some loser who forced me to watch The Notebook on repeat and develop an emotional attachment to Ben and Jerry’s. I never imagined it would be you though, my Best Friend.
Dear Ex- Best Friend,
I am so angry. I am so angry at you right now. I say I don’t care and I hate you. But I don’t, I love you. I want to protect you from that stupid ex of yours. I don’t want you to get hurt. Even though you’ve used that same knife to stab me so many times over. You make me sick. Look at me, writing this word vomit. I want an apology. I need apologies, but I know I’ll never get them. You have run me dry, and I have nothing left to give. I am out of tears, and love, and hugs, and time to listen, and time to care, and time to hold you when you’re hurting or time to crease my eyebrows as you talk about him, or her, or whoever you needed consoling for.
When did we become this? Like a bitter married couple who make each other so desperately unhappy with our passive aggressive and competitive tones. It’s sad how our calls have gone. I stare blankly into the screen at this stranger I call ‘bestie’. Our nicknames now sound like a foreign language. I just look at myself and remember how miserable you’ve made me, like I am right now asking continuous questions about your empty life and getting nothing back. It makes me so angry I have to ‘have a shower’ or ‘do chores’. Look at what you’ve done to me. I am no longer me. I am anger.
I hope I will not always feel this way. I want the worst for you, I want the vest. I want to love you, I hate you. I want to hate you, I can’t help disliking you. You boil my blood, you make me listen to ACDC, you make me do this. You make me crazy because that’s who I am without you. My partner in crime, I am lost without the person you used to be but better off alone without the one you’ve become.
I hope the anger will fade, I think it will turn into sadness, because in a way, it kind of already is. I wish we were able to go back to the way it used to be, or turn back the time to the moments it went wrong, but if not I never want to be acquaintances. I always hope we have enough passion to hate each other. I think ‘civil’ is the saddest word. Looking into a stranger’s eyes and seeing a lifetime flash before them: of laughter, of tears; of secrets kept, of secrets not; of feuds and temper; of challenges of school; of relationships; of boys; of girls; of fun; of alcohol; of innocence; of late nights; of dim lights; of thick, of thin; of you and of me.
I want to thank you. I don’t mean it right now, but I will be thankful in time. I want to thank you for your friendship, and what we once were, though I’m still trying to figure out what that was. I want to thank you if you really were there for me, and for merely saying those words that reassured me that everything would be okay. I want to thank you for the lessons that I learned from you, the ones you taught me, and the ones I learned from your mistakes. I want to thank you for teaching me when to ignore someone, for a ll the boy advice, for controlling my temper, for making me realise the type of person I want to become, and for the importance of loss.
Maybe you’ll never learn but I hope you treat her better, because you don’t deserve her, or me, or all the second chances in the world that I gave you which probably add up to a thousand. I hate to say that I’m jealous, because I am, I’m not. I don’t know. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I guess there’s nothing left. To say. I haven’t got it figured out yet, and I don’t think I ever will, but I just want to say, finally, thank you for making me better than you. I don’t wish what’s happened to us on you but if it will give you what it gave me well then I hope you find it. And with that I wish you the best. I know I will one day look back and think about how miserable you made me, but wish all your dreams came true. It’s funny that kind of love, maybe it’s just in this moment but I think that’s what it was. It’s so difficult to end this, maybe that’s why I’ve rambled on, trying to find the words to say, but I don’t think I ever will. I really don’t want to let go of this, because I miss you. But I think it’s time now.
From, Your Ex- Best Friend.